the fight within...

when was the last time you hated yourself...if you ask me this question...i would say ...NOW!
ya i am in really goin through a bad phase,,,and no..there is none i want to blame...i just hate myself for every damn thing.
why the hell am i doing this to me...why am i acting so rude...i can be happy as ever...enjoy my time...have fun...with everyone...but still i am not able to.
its something that has gone into my head...something that just set everything up on fire...the fire of hatred.
suddenly my life has started to suck...things are not pretty nice as i wanted ...or shuld i say...i am not happy.
may be yes..i am not happy...i said to myself...i would never be a helpless person...but donno...certain things have just made me ..laugh on my luck
ya..i suck..i realy am frustrated with certain things...being whatevr i am...even right now i am pissed off.
i m thinkin myslef of being confused...not even able to say what i want to...

confused about my life..confused about what i do...confused about what i dont do...confused about what i should have done...my family, my friends...my pals....my colege...my study...my career...my love...
ohh love...no i should nt be writing that....love has nothing to do with this,,,,y?...cos i dont have a love line...
but realy geting to hate myself more than ever,,,nothing goin my way...nothin helpin me to smile....just nothin...
i wish i could cry and everything becomes alright...but cant..or am not able to....
its the fight within i am goin through..i fight i cant afford to loose,,,

That was the most beautiful evening…

That was the most beautiful evening…
(this one is dedicated to someone really special)
Sometimes you never ask for anything from life…still it gives you; a lot more than u ask for.
And I am fortunate enough to be at the receiving end…
Oh! You must be wondering…what this time?
Hmm…this is what I got?
Lots and lots of appreciation…
A beautiful smile…full of happiness…
Couple of wet eyes…thanking for my concerns…
And a silent charming face…with those expressions…
saying…
"U made me feel special…"
I just cant forget that…those eyes…
And folks you are not getting to know more than this.
Its much much personal…
All I want to say is…
What ever I did that day…gave me the best happiness I ever got…
…for sharing that wonderful and beautiful evening with me…
…for letting me a part of that special occasion…
…for trusting me…
Thank you.

Why should I pretend to be your friend…

The topic is kinda uneasy for me to discuss.
How can u defend urself to be right if only U know, that
U are right, but in eyes of others ; u may not WRONG!!!
Recently , there was an interactive session in the college,
(it was about knowing your own self, how much do u exactly know about your own characteristics, how much others know of you, how much others do not know of u, and how much we both do not know about you)
and I came under the sword, my friend was asked to mention
my positive and negative attributes.

And I was also suppose to do the same.
And what happened thereafter, what came to me was not easy to digest.
The strengths that were mentioned about me, were absolutely correct, while the interesting part was something opposite to that.

The negative attribute that was attached to me was
" he is short-tempered and sometimes overly-behaved"
the former part is understandable, I am a bit of it…although it has taken years for me to control my anger, or else world would have known an arrogant and rude mayo, and I am damn sure that when I get angry, the world "hates" me!

The thing that made me restless, was the later thing. "overly behaved"
And that too sometimes? What does that mean? And not only that everybody else actually agreed to it.
Alright may be I get emotional sometimes, that makes me behave in certain more noticeable way, but I don’t get on the peoples nerves.

Or do I?
That’s the question bugging me?
Then came the next thing? Which is good or bad I don’t know exactly?
One of my friends was asked to tell something about me.
And I pointed out to one of my great pals recently.

What he told was right.
"he is not for everyone, he is very choosy about his friends, his mates. He wants to be with only few people,
certain kinds of persons who interests him."

Now that’s great to hear…

I wouldn’t have wanted to be in that place for sure…

but I am glad that thing came out in open.
now...

I think its better if I clarify my side of the story…for those who read my pages and atleast are my closer ones…with whom I share a lot…
I wasn’t a guy, The way I am.
I was great to be a friend.
Always available. To whomsoever needed.
To whosoever it was.

I was always there for everyone, smiling for others, happy doing others tasks, making their life easier, or lively.
People thought of me as a great natured boy.
Boy…that’s is what hurt me.
Everyone took me as a kid…an immature kid…kind of funny, and stupid.

So that’s when I decided to change myself.

I can’t anyone take me for granted.
When they need me, they come to me; when they don’t, they ditch me!
Is that I am for…to be for others?
And so, that’s when "enough was enough".

I must have made hundreds of friends, in school, in msu, in engineering college,…and then…today hardly few of them are still ther whom I know.
I never broke those relations…they just entered in my life and went off.
And I always used to stand there and stare…where did I go wrong?
And the answer came from within…

be what u are man…be honest…
the world may leave u someday…
and the only person who will be beside you will be…
"you".
So I decided not to get up close with anyone and everyone.
Be nice…be honest…be true…to urself and to others…
And I stopped…stopped pretending to be a good friend…
of everyone and anyone!
Those who are nice to me, I am nicer to them.
Those who are harsh…kiss my ass!

And this has helped me.
Helped me to identify the real ones… the true ones…my actual friends!
And really they are closer to my heart…they have a special place…and special places are not meant for everyone…I guess.
I will be glad at the end of my life…that I got few…but the real friends…who just don’t know me…who understand me deep within!
They tell me…when I am good…when I am bad…
where I am right…where I am wrong…
I just don’t believe in pretending friend of others…who are there just by destiny and share few moments of my life…bcos they are destined to be there. So sorry folks…
here is how I would end this one…

when I love you…I can die for U.
when I hate…I can kill.

ME, my machine and 105!

the title seem to be kinda unusual..isnt! but guys its realated and related to me deep down. yes, it was 4th november...i went to surat...just to bring my chic back (i m talking about my bike, i dont call gals with that name...). it was all set...i had to get it back to baroda,,,cos i am having the vacation for 20 days....and mayo cant live without his chic....
i set out at 3:30 after wishing everybody and let the throttle down...oh wait not yet...first need to get out of the city...she (my chic) doesnt like to stretch in the downtown roads....shes a free bird...wants to fly on a long straight black belt.
so i had it running down slow and quick,...eager to get on the highway...the heart was pumping....the last time i got it on highway...she was new...cant pull her leg much...but this time...she was ready to roar...the horses were pumpin...i was in a mood to just let it rush down the lane...
here i was after 35 min on the highway...all set to give it some thrash...it wanted me to test her...wanted to go on the fast lane....i looked at my watch....4:10...so whats the target to home...i will make it by 7:00pm....lets see...if i can... i wish the roads are good..

so i started at 70 kmp initially...taking the feel of the road and atmosphere...the weather was good...cool and breezy...chances of rains...but still some sunny...i thot lets get it down to business....
so i started giving it some gas...and its like she was waiting for it...just responding smoothly and the speedometer showing the numbers in the increasing order....72...75....78....80...85...87....88...89...90....

should i give it some more...would it be right....but felt like she was telling me..." i want it more and more...dont stop..."
and then,,,,92...93...95...96...98...99.................................100......i touched it........it was as smooth riding as some gal's smooth chicks...really she as much sweet at 100 as much as at 40......i gave some more...and then touched 105....i was shouting on the middle of the road...patting on the tank,,,,,

aasshhh....damn,,,,these trucks....hurdles....broke my speed...had to slow down....
the whole ride was mix of such speedy and breaking patches....but the best things was.....not a single car could match my machine......the eyes peeping out of car's drivers was giving me an astonishing 'woooohhoo" looks...i could read some of the eyes...saying..i need to be on the piece of menance....its so sexy....
so it was the most amazing ride i ever had....
but still i was missing someone...at the bottom of my heart i felt as the ride would have been much much thrilling and romantic if...( if always is stands before me) she would have been behind..seating on the back seat....
i reached home at 6:45....which was much speedier than i thot....and then in the night all i did was press my butts against the pillow,,,,shes is smooth but if i have her more,,,then shes painful too...

but guys...its for sure....i just cant get enough of her...so let the vacation end....and once again i get a date with her..from home to hostel....
the rides are my life...
and i am always ready for one...