yeah, its over,...finally,,,the colege is over...the days are gone...the fun, masti and everything....being irresponsible, being happy..being with frnds,.... living everyday to its fullest...lookin for the reasons to go and sit in the colege...finding...those with whom you want to stay...all day..all time...go to canteen...enjoy the lectures...not even once thinking of studying...the hostel life...night teas and snaks...watchin movies before presentations...playing cards with the,. runnig late to lectures............................
its just over... and i dont want to get out of it...
i just want to stay...here only...with those i feel to be loved and cared...to be happy and to cherish every moment...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
its all about how you think
Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983.
From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?
To this Arthur Ashe replied:
" The world over -- 50 million children start playing tennis,
5 million learn to play tennis,
500,000 learn professional tennis,
50,000 come to the circuit,
5000 reach the grand slam,
50 reach Wimbledon,
4 to semi final,
2 to the finals,
when I was holding a cup I never asked GOD 'Why me?'.
And today in pain I should not be asking GOD 'Why me?' "
Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrow keeps you Human,
Failure keeps you humble and Success keeps you glowing,
but only Faith & Attitude Keeps you going...
an excellent article that i came across...and it really made me think...
whatever this meant...i really had a turnaround...
From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?
To this Arthur Ashe replied:
" The world over -- 50 million children start playing tennis,
5 million learn to play tennis,
500,000 learn professional tennis,
50,000 come to the circuit,
5000 reach the grand slam,
50 reach Wimbledon,
4 to semi final,
2 to the finals,
when I was holding a cup I never asked GOD 'Why me?'.
And today in pain I should not be asking GOD 'Why me?' "
Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrow keeps you Human,
Failure keeps you humble and Success keeps you glowing,
but only Faith & Attitude Keeps you going...
an excellent article that i came across...and it really made me think...
whatever this meant...i really had a turnaround...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Positivity is like a sugar in coffee!!!
Strange title, I guess but I couldn’t think of anything at this moment for this one. Recently I have come across many friends of mine who are so influenced by their negativities….that there coffees are turning out to be more soar than sweet. And it really is a challenge to fight against all the negative air around you and still remain the cold cloud of positivity.
And I do have to face such negative attitudes every now and then. It really annoys me that people so soon leave hopes and start talking negative, even downshadowing their own capabilities. What the hell goes wrong into their heads.
I know many of my friends, who are equally capable like me and not only that some of the closer ones are much better than me. They got such a great personality and abilities, still they never show a feeling of pride on themselves. And they keep talking modestly that they aren’t capable enough… cos they think that if they boast about themselves…they will look overconfident…and a failure at such times will make others laugh on them.
I just want to say to them, why do you worry so much about what others think…they are busy among themselves about figures out what we are thinking about them…and so stop bothering and “be practical”.
Here I would like to mention…infact thank someone. Ya shes a girl and very good friend of mine. She has many layers hidden in herself. Now these two words “ Be practical” got me reminded of myself of my older days…and the credit to her, she is so practical in her life…takes each difficulty so easily…tackles them so nicely…even if shes gets in trouble…it just takes her a while to get back to normal. Shes smart and intelligent, got the edge over others in everything…and then she lives every moment to its fullest. No matter what, but she cherishes her life.
And I really learned a lot from her. Recently I had lost my self confidence…I had just stopped being true me and lost trust in my abilities…I was shattered off my confidence…and once people who talked high about my attitude… saw me in an helpless and sad person , like a sword which lost its shine.
And then I came across her thoughts, analysed myself and thought why am I acting this way. I haven’t lost anything…just a few hiccups in life doesn’t make me a looser. And there I was back again..to my old day…confident and positive…attitude of self belief…ready to take on anything…and ya I am ready to face the challenges that my future is going to throw at me. I don’t wanna be left behind just to sobb on my failures. I would rather smile and accept my inabilities and let my true capabilities enhance.
And this is the same message I would like to impart…to those who think they cannot. Man, if you can yell so much about your inabilities…and waste so much of energy…why can’t you spend a little of it on boasting about yourself, about your capabilities.
“If you think you can and if you think you can’t,
both ways you are right”
so why waste the time, singing the sad songs and playing the trumpet of failure. Believe in yourself, think of what you can do, and try to identify your capabilities.
Building a positive attitude doesn’t come in a day. Its sometimes takes a whole lot of years…to make our mind a positive thinker. And believe me, I had taken a lot of pains doin that. It really took a hell out of me to develop a positive attitude. And I am proud of able to attain it. It helped me overcome many of my shortcomings. And I feel happy now, as I no longer dwel with my inabilities, I constantly think about whats possible for me, next.
And friends, really start practicing the positive mentality, and try to avoid the negativities around. And soon it will be doing wonders for you.
At this point you may argue that what about the different problems faced at each and every moment of our lives. Well my answer to that is “ the best solution to problem is not to have the problem at all. Why the hell do you think of the problem as a problem, instead take it as a challenge. Its just like some monster we would see sometimes in our nightmares, nothing real about it. Be optimistic about the solution, and stop thinking about the failure. If you donot do anything, that would be the failure, but if you do atleast a bit, you really did something, and so you can solve the challenge too. its just a matter of being optimistic”
“optimism” is the first step of developing the positive mental attitude. If you are optimistic, you can definitely think about winning. Pessimists are never heard of talking about achieving. So guys its upto, which side you want to be.
And then the next step is “ believe”. Yes I believe. Its too easy to say, but too difficult to make it possible. I believe in god, everybody had said this always…how many of you have actually seen him. So I don’t believe in god, but I do believe in ‘life’…and existence of life is because of some might power…which is known as GOD! Similarly in every facets of life, if you think that what you think is right…than YOU BELIEVE! And be firm on your beliefs…because the power to believe gives you a power to fight and prove yourself true…not to others, but to your own beliefs.
Here are some of the self tried techniques, which you may apply in your life, and may be you can develop the positive attitude too.
- if you feel negative, look around the situation. Are the ‘facts’ on which you base your pessimism correct? Try to make a positive attitude shift in every situation.
- Keep a daily thought diary. It should help you learn which situation provoke a negative or positive reaction. Regularly re-read it and trace your thought patterns and see to it that there are more positive thoughts.
- Ask yourself, why are you thinking negatively? Are you frightened of future or what may happen in life ahead? And then think how can you change, for what you think is surely going to happen, there is always an alternative choice of doing things.
- Use positive words. Try to eliminate use of negative sentences and thoughts.
- Learn to handle negative emotions and work off the bad feelings with practice. Exercise-mentally and physically. Calm yourself in difficult situations and relax, focus on it.
- Take credit for the good things you do, and turn your bad things as mistakes and pledging not to repeat them.
- Make each time and day to do activities which you enjoy. Indulge yourself with good and positive things. Life doesn’t mean to stop, move on.
- The more meaning you see in life, the easier you will find it to be positive. Spend the time thinking about why you are born? Why you are here wherever you are? And what you have to do?
- In the end, smile! That’s the best thing to do. Smile and make others Smile. (even if you can take someone to a sip of coffee or offer a chocolate and make them smile, its worth of a lifetime!)
So friends, life is short, and you have everything to do. Stop crying and take every moment to its fullest! Be positive, be happy!
That’s the Max’s way of life!!!
That’s Maxitude !!!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Am I really biased?
Recently there was an allegation…ya I would consider as an allegation on me…that few persons termed me as a biased person. I don’t treat everyone equally…I show more empathy towards few leaving the other aside…I don’t take others for a ride as I take a few…I don’t spend money on people close to me…or I spend money for the ones whom I like to be with…I give treats to only a selected few…and for the rest of them I just perform formalities…specially in the case of girls…I am blamed to show my concerns for only a few of the girls…
All this and much more is being heard by my ears…and its bugging my head off! What the hell do these people want to say…and who are they to say… whatever they told about me…I would say isn’t that applicable to them too? how many times have they considered me as their close friend…and how many times did they invited me for any special gathering…that they got such right to speak about me?
I had always considered everyone around me equal..and as the time passed some of them became so closed to me…that I consider them as one of the important part of my life…while the others who took me as mere their friend…I gave them the same back…just a friend. And then, the same are speaking such sentences about me. what am I ? a whore…whom anybody is free to f**k away…then u people kiss my a**.
For such people I would like to ask this…how many times have you shared with me…your happy moments? How many times did you called me when I needed someone the most? Or did you ever even invited me just to have a sip off…then how the hell can you acclaim that I have been biased to people other then you.
And I don’t give a damn when saying that I am biased. Yeah, I am biased…to those who showed a little concern for mayo…think of me atleast once in a while…and never forget that I am one of their good pals…not mere a friend who gives them a treat every now and then, takes them to movies and gives them joy rides. These “few” for whom I live and feel happy when I can do a bit for them is what makes them special for me…and for those whom I don’t do anything…shouldn’t you people stop shouting and look at… yourself… why the hell I don’t care about you…
When I entered this department…I didn’t know anyone…and now there are few…for whom I wouldn’t hesitate doing anything and everything…
I can’t be everything to everyone…and certainly I don’t want to be just something to someone…I would prefer…being…everything to some one…and something to everyone…
so those who think i am biased and not caring enough for them, just let it be that way...it would be to difficult fot them, once i let my mouth open and screw their egos in public..." live your own lives and let me live mine...or keep bugging me and i make you pay the price..."
Thursday, January 17, 2008
a wish.....(max)
A wish I could touch you;
Take you in my arms,
Once I could hold you…
A wish I could touch you;
Lean on your shoulders,
Once I could feel you…
A wish I could touch you;
Take you far away,
Once I could sing for you…
A wish I could touch you;
All throughout the nites,
Just sit and see you…
A wish I could touch you;
Put my face in your palms,
Once I could cry for you…
A wish I could touch you;
To let you know what I feel,
Once I could kiss you…
A wish I could touch you;
U take my breadth away,
Once I could love you…
A wish I could touch you;
To rest in the peace,
Once I could die for you…
A wish I could hear…
From your beauty voice;
Just once, “I love you…”
A wish I could…touch…you!
Take you in my arms,
Once I could hold you…
A wish I could touch you;
Lean on your shoulders,
Once I could feel you…
A wish I could touch you;
Take you far away,
Once I could sing for you…
A wish I could touch you;
All throughout the nites,
Just sit and see you…
A wish I could touch you;
Put my face in your palms,
Once I could cry for you…
A wish I could touch you;
To let you know what I feel,
Once I could kiss you…
A wish I could touch you;
U take my breadth away,
Once I could love you…
A wish I could touch you;
To rest in the peace,
Once I could die for you…
A wish I could hear…
From your beauty voice;
Just once, “I love you…”
A wish I could…touch…you!
You make me smile…(max)
Always , in the darkness of nights,
I see a smile, a face;
Call her with stretched arms,
Gives a blink and fades;
Teases me, her hairs, gives
A perfect look
And, from my life, the sweet
moments she took;
Fly, with her, wanna be
far away;
Take into arms, and watch
her eyes play;
Care, for her, I promise
to thee;
Just let me, of your life’s
A part, be!
All I wanna say to you,
Whenever you brought, smiles to my face;
I could just say…
“Thank you”
The big Dilemma – to celebrate or to console?
I always had the dream “that I would am dealing with big bosses, smart business persons hearing my views in a meeting, and I, the center of attention…”
I believed that such day would surely come in my life. And the day when I would be selected in a big company, I would give out a big…big…scream…to let everybody know that I m the best. I have been fad up of being among the best…always an average student…an average performer…but not anymore…since entering into the department, I wanted to leave my mark, to let everyone know that u can never ignore me…I just wanted to outperform everyone, wanted to be known as one of the smartest and best student of this department.
So this was the big opportunity …finally came knocking to my door…and I was due with the scream. There was another reason…why I wanted to get into it. That was because of my mom. One day I had a serious fight…(it was more like a duel). My mom never thought of me making it big…she always had this cloud of uncertainty in her mind…I never went to one of the known colleges, didn’t score more than an average student…failed a few times…while the people she known had their sons in best colleges and doing great and making into big companies…while i…I was still doing MBA from some college…her negativities always bugged me…the day she hears from someone that he/she got in a good company, she would say “waah! Ab mere bete ka bhi karwa dena”. “what the hell is wrong with u ?” I used to mutter in my mind…but that day I had enough…I said to her…”who the hell are they to get me into a job! I am equally capable of doing great as them , and one day they would come to me, I would never ask them to get me a job! I know I am the best…never ever u speak those pleasing words in front of other people to get me placed.” She was shocked and we had a blast of lifetime. But really I took those words to my heart…they kept hurting my like spines… ‘mere bete ka bhi karwa dena’…I will prove u mom…I used to utter I know she was always insecure…but such things hurted me badly. So I had a big challenge before me…to prove to her that her son is the best. And one day she would be proud to admit it.
So the next day we had to leave by bus early. Me, manasi and parth were to leave from baroda…the rest were joining at the office. The ride was good and cold. It was breezing morning…I was sitting next to her…she still with her bugging me with the negative thoughts while I trying my 200% to persue her that she was the most deserving candidate. I didn’t know I would be regretting on that.
We reached by 10:15 but the interview took place at 2:30pm. Before the interview, I started getting butterflies in …this was the worst nervousness I had ever felt…which also came because of the scene happened earlier in preliminary interview… still as others were around…and I was the first one to face the guns…I had to maintain my outer expressions…especially for her…I knew she was getting tensed…
At that time I felt like I was about to faint…and she looking at me…sala aese time par bhi mere dimag me chal raha tha “ kya lag rahi he yaar…light blue top and black trouser…ekdum sahi…dekh kar hi select kar lenge…fir sathme adani…so charming”…
There we were sitting in the rikshaw…time was 4:15pm…are picture bichme cut gai kya…
Ther were 5 people selected for the final pi…me, manasi, parth, pratik and nancy…the first three of us had positive experiences while the rest two were not sure…they didn’t declare the result at that time…said it would be conveyed latter to our placement officer. So we were neither in a position to rejoice or cry…
Parth stayed back for his friend…pratik separated at busstand, and nancy went to her relatives…so I know what u must be thinking…yup,,it was me and her…it was turning out to be a great day…
We went for some snacks…and here was the fun part…while leaving the store…unki nazren padi ladduo par… “muje wo khana he…ek lena…” I was looking at a small baby holding my hand and pointing out me to that laddu, which if she didn’t get, then she will die. So cute and innocent face… “here this is your laddu” and then I saw a delighted face…my gosh…shes a kid…laddu hath me aate hi, chehre par kya khushi aa gai…jaise koi choti ladki ko eksath sari khushiya mil gai ho…I couldn’t say anything…except smile and enjoying her happiness within me…I just patted on her head.
“kitna sweet he…wow…itna sweet…” jarasa khaya usme to tariff k pull bandh diye…can I have some…ab malum tha ki mana kar nahi sakti aur dene ka mann hoga nahi….so thoda sa liya…jyada leta to chid jati… “ mein aur 500gm lekar aati hu…” what…itna pasand aa gaya…my gosh…wait in the line…I bring it…waha jakar khane beth jayegi nahi to…
yeh lo…apke laddu…khush…and see the big 100 mile smile on her face…she was so eager to reach home and have the laddus, I thot she would gulp them down all together…she was very generous…she let me have one!
Garrrr…garr the engine started and begin the return journey….two hours full of …ummm….for me that was full of everything…
For you people, I wouldn’t let much out except it was a beautiful evening and another unforgiving journey.
U must be wondering where the hell is the dilemma, it still hasn’t appeared anything like that…well, for me the bad part was yet to come. I knew that she deserved to get in even more than me…while I was positive of getting in, parth had called and told that he already got the info unofficially that he was in. so it was sure that either they are takin both of us in or are leaving me out. But her was in, that I was pretty much sure.
So next day we left at 9:30am for surat, with no idea in mind that this journey is going to give us a shock of lifetime. And I did had a big one.
The adani result had reached college before us. We were still in the train and ther came a col on my celphone…I was selected…and so was parth…and she wasn’t…and then ther was a long pause…………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………
congratulations…she uttered…I could not say anything…gave back a fake smile…what else I could do? There was she beside me,,,both had the same kind of aspirations and I very well know that shes one the most eligible student of our batch…and then she really wanted to be in.
and ther was I sitting, with a news that I have got in my lifetime the best news ever…that I was selected in one of the most reputed companies…for this moment I had waited so long…and I got the moment…in the most unexpected way…I didn’t want to be ther…just couldn’t sit ther anymore…
I got up…went near the door…and my eyes were looking out at the farthest point…looking for an answer. The answer for which I always seached…whats the right thing to do? I didn’t felt like celebrating…wen she was ther…will make her think…I am a showoff and mean…didn’t care about her…and I couldn’t console her too…because I knew at that moment…she wouldn’t like to talk with anyone…and she wouldn’t tell me what she was feeling at that moment…but I still could see those wet eyes…looking out of the window…wanting an answer…and atleast I didn’t had it.
We reached at college…everyone was ther…wishing me…and congratulating me…and I had to smile and thank everybody…cos it was better that way. My eyes…still followed her..she was surrounded by her friends…and everyone was throwing the questions at her…which she definitely didn’t want to face.
The day passed by… my closed friends were really happy for me…they were so enthus for the party…I shuld say I didn’t want to disappoint them…but I had no mood to rejoice…outside I was happy…inside I knew the real story.
And the evening was even worse…I had a fear what was going to come…and it did…I called her up in evening…and thot of cheering up her…but instead I made her cry…she stopped talking…dropped the phone…and I could only hear sounds of whipping and few voices asking what happened…and here I was stunned at this end…
I couldn’t sleep the whole nite…I would never forgive myself…how the hell could I bring tears to her eyes…I would never in my worst nightmares think of doing that…but it happened…and I would not forgive myself for that.
The next is rest…I couldn’t sleep for 3 nights continuously…and still hate myself for making her cry…
My parents were happy, my sis was so so happy, my friends were happy, specially the ones who know me in person and are my true ones…and in the end…even she said she was happy for me…and only one person knew, what was the real situation…inside me…and that was me. And it would always be inside me.
So that’s the end of the episode…or is it the start…
I believed that such day would surely come in my life. And the day when I would be selected in a big company, I would give out a big…big…scream…to let everybody know that I m the best. I have been fad up of being among the best…always an average student…an average performer…but not anymore…since entering into the department, I wanted to leave my mark, to let everyone know that u can never ignore me…I just wanted to outperform everyone, wanted to be known as one of the smartest and best student of this department.
So this was the big opportunity …finally came knocking to my door…and I was due with the scream. There was another reason…why I wanted to get into it. That was because of my mom. One day I had a serious fight…(it was more like a duel). My mom never thought of me making it big…she always had this cloud of uncertainty in her mind…I never went to one of the known colleges, didn’t score more than an average student…failed a few times…while the people she known had their sons in best colleges and doing great and making into big companies…while i…I was still doing MBA from some college…her negativities always bugged me…the day she hears from someone that he/she got in a good company, she would say “waah! Ab mere bete ka bhi karwa dena”. “what the hell is wrong with u ?” I used to mutter in my mind…but that day I had enough…I said to her…”who the hell are they to get me into a job! I am equally capable of doing great as them , and one day they would come to me, I would never ask them to get me a job! I know I am the best…never ever u speak those pleasing words in front of other people to get me placed.” She was shocked and we had a blast of lifetime. But really I took those words to my heart…they kept hurting my like spines… ‘mere bete ka bhi karwa dena’…I will prove u mom…I used to utter I know she was always insecure…but such things hurted me badly. So I had a big challenge before me…to prove to her that her son is the best. And one day she would be proud to admit it.
So the next day we had to leave by bus early. Me, manasi and parth were to leave from baroda…the rest were joining at the office. The ride was good and cold. It was breezing morning…I was sitting next to her…she still with her bugging me with the negative thoughts while I trying my 200% to persue her that she was the most deserving candidate. I didn’t know I would be regretting on that.
We reached by 10:15 but the interview took place at 2:30pm. Before the interview, I started getting butterflies in …this was the worst nervousness I had ever felt…which also came because of the scene happened earlier in preliminary interview… still as others were around…and I was the first one to face the guns…I had to maintain my outer expressions…especially for her…I knew she was getting tensed…
At that time I felt like I was about to faint…and she looking at me…sala aese time par bhi mere dimag me chal raha tha “ kya lag rahi he yaar…light blue top and black trouser…ekdum sahi…dekh kar hi select kar lenge…fir sathme adani…so charming”…
There we were sitting in the rikshaw…time was 4:15pm…are picture bichme cut gai kya…
Ther were 5 people selected for the final pi…me, manasi, parth, pratik and nancy…the first three of us had positive experiences while the rest two were not sure…they didn’t declare the result at that time…said it would be conveyed latter to our placement officer. So we were neither in a position to rejoice or cry…
Parth stayed back for his friend…pratik separated at busstand, and nancy went to her relatives…so I know what u must be thinking…yup,,it was me and her…it was turning out to be a great day…
We went for some snacks…and here was the fun part…while leaving the store…unki nazren padi ladduo par… “muje wo khana he…ek lena…” I was looking at a small baby holding my hand and pointing out me to that laddu, which if she didn’t get, then she will die. So cute and innocent face… “here this is your laddu” and then I saw a delighted face…my gosh…shes a kid…laddu hath me aate hi, chehre par kya khushi aa gai…jaise koi choti ladki ko eksath sari khushiya mil gai ho…I couldn’t say anything…except smile and enjoying her happiness within me…I just patted on her head.
“kitna sweet he…wow…itna sweet…” jarasa khaya usme to tariff k pull bandh diye…can I have some…ab malum tha ki mana kar nahi sakti aur dene ka mann hoga nahi….so thoda sa liya…jyada leta to chid jati… “ mein aur 500gm lekar aati hu…” what…itna pasand aa gaya…my gosh…wait in the line…I bring it…waha jakar khane beth jayegi nahi to…
yeh lo…apke laddu…khush…and see the big 100 mile smile on her face…she was so eager to reach home and have the laddus, I thot she would gulp them down all together…she was very generous…she let me have one!
Garrrr…garr the engine started and begin the return journey….two hours full of …ummm….for me that was full of everything…
For you people, I wouldn’t let much out except it was a beautiful evening and another unforgiving journey.
U must be wondering where the hell is the dilemma, it still hasn’t appeared anything like that…well, for me the bad part was yet to come. I knew that she deserved to get in even more than me…while I was positive of getting in, parth had called and told that he already got the info unofficially that he was in. so it was sure that either they are takin both of us in or are leaving me out. But her was in, that I was pretty much sure.
So next day we left at 9:30am for surat, with no idea in mind that this journey is going to give us a shock of lifetime. And I did had a big one.
The adani result had reached college before us. We were still in the train and ther came a col on my celphone…I was selected…and so was parth…and she wasn’t…and then ther was a long pause…………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………
congratulations…she uttered…I could not say anything…gave back a fake smile…what else I could do? There was she beside me,,,both had the same kind of aspirations and I very well know that shes one the most eligible student of our batch…and then she really wanted to be in.
and ther was I sitting, with a news that I have got in my lifetime the best news ever…that I was selected in one of the most reputed companies…for this moment I had waited so long…and I got the moment…in the most unexpected way…I didn’t want to be ther…just couldn’t sit ther anymore…
I got up…went near the door…and my eyes were looking out at the farthest point…looking for an answer. The answer for which I always seached…whats the right thing to do? I didn’t felt like celebrating…wen she was ther…will make her think…I am a showoff and mean…didn’t care about her…and I couldn’t console her too…because I knew at that moment…she wouldn’t like to talk with anyone…and she wouldn’t tell me what she was feeling at that moment…but I still could see those wet eyes…looking out of the window…wanting an answer…and atleast I didn’t had it.
We reached at college…everyone was ther…wishing me…and congratulating me…and I had to smile and thank everybody…cos it was better that way. My eyes…still followed her..she was surrounded by her friends…and everyone was throwing the questions at her…which she definitely didn’t want to face.
The day passed by… my closed friends were really happy for me…they were so enthus for the party…I shuld say I didn’t want to disappoint them…but I had no mood to rejoice…outside I was happy…inside I knew the real story.
And the evening was even worse…I had a fear what was going to come…and it did…I called her up in evening…and thot of cheering up her…but instead I made her cry…she stopped talking…dropped the phone…and I could only hear sounds of whipping and few voices asking what happened…and here I was stunned at this end…
I couldn’t sleep the whole nite…I would never forgive myself…how the hell could I bring tears to her eyes…I would never in my worst nightmares think of doing that…but it happened…and I would not forgive myself for that.
The next is rest…I couldn’t sleep for 3 nights continuously…and still hate myself for making her cry…
My parents were happy, my sis was so so happy, my friends were happy, specially the ones who know me in person and are my true ones…and in the end…even she said she was happy for me…and only one person knew, what was the real situation…inside me…and that was me. And it would always be inside me.
So that’s the end of the episode…or is it the start…
Friday, January 11, 2008
jokes life always plays...
The jokes…life always plays..
Hmm… so u guys didn’t have to wait much longer…actually I got time to sneak this one sooner than expected…so if u are reading this one then go to the previous one and read it before this one…than this one would make more sense.
So, it was set..for the final one…I was going to the final interview…in adani…and not only me..but even she was the other one who was accompanying me and one more guy from the hostel itself. So it was Saturday…we already were exhausted by the exams got over just a day before…and the whole day had gone for the adanis ppl…tired and needed a break…atleast I did. So she told me to lets go out, have a bit of timeout…
It was high time we have met..and a lot had I gone through since that time…so even I wanted to go out with her. We went out…and madam was eager to gulp down some pastry, as she was feeling great about being selected…thou every few sentences she used to utter…”abhi hua nahi he! And who log ladkiyo ko nahi lete…tu to hi gaya he” and I felt like…wht shuld I feel…I don’t like negativity…and she was full of it, at that time…I tried to make sure that such negative thoughts didn’t get into out head. My first round of interview had been worst ever…still I hoped to get in…and was firm not to repeat the same mistake again. So I had two things in my mind…to get my self-confidence back…and to not let her move towards negative thoughts…
We had couple of pastries…I wasn’t interested in eating…I enjoy watching her have them… “must have seen a small kid’s reactions when getting for the first time a choc or ice-cream…” the same are the expressions or shuld I day the emotions on her face…I simply keep looking at them…those eyes…full of life in every bite! And just cant get my eyes of her…so happy from inside…
Next went to a mall…just for a timepas,,,and I thot lets make a purchase…lets ask her to choose something for me! We both selected a tie! It was blue and so was I ..blue! are bhai pahle baar sath me kharidi ki thi na!
So that was the end..of that day…or the beginning of a new week…
I went back…not thinking about the next day…but was thinking of the blunders I had commited. So was thinking how should I cover for them. The final pi was due in 10-15 days. So had good time to prepare.
The next day I was off to baroda. It was 30th December…I was thinking how am I gonna celebrate with my frnds.
I was remembering my flatmates of bharuch…I was never able to get along with them…after we had separated …for nything like that. vivek was in US, rajeev was with family, kuldep had exams, chetan god knows where, dipen was in AUS, and I was left with only two..dharmil and salman!
I wish I could reunite everyone…altogether and have a big party…loud and noisy..away from all ! but simply wasn’t possible. Miss u all guys. Then on 31st even salman backedoff from the plan. Sala humesha aesa karta he. I was very angry on him, for the first time in my life…he had something in his mind…but never let me know…what it was! Anyway…I didn’t force him. Was just disappointed. Then all it was me and dharmil, and we two were alone in town…so I thot lets make it as much as we can… we booked for a party hall…went there and had a blast. Thou we were missing others…we had a great time together…after a long time. It just reminded of the old days…the fun days…
Since last couple of months I was out of my mind…gone insane…gone rude….i just wanted to let everyting out…just wanted to dance and get my mind all out of this…I just wanted to be ther…dancing…the way I wanted…the way I liked…no gals, no food, no thoughts…it was just me…wanted to be myself…and I did…I danced like never again…
The next day was boring…and tiredy cos of the eve of new year…my body telling me “sale jab sahan nahi hota to kyon itna jhatke maar maar kar nachta he, sidha khada nahi raha jata? Bijli ka taar ghus jata he pant me? Bola tha, dhime nach, par nahi,,jor se ..aur jor se…nach ab nach…”
And me lying on the sofa…holding my legs..rubbing moov on the back and legs…pura din sota raha…but it was fun…
Then I had to leave to surat the next day. I left in the morning thinking she would come…but madam ki tabiyat kharab ho gai thi..so I had to go alone. And I was about to step in the hostel and came the phone of her… “adani interview! Tomro..ahmdabad!”…
Hmm… so u guys didn’t have to wait much longer…actually I got time to sneak this one sooner than expected…so if u are reading this one then go to the previous one and read it before this one…than this one would make more sense.
So, it was set..for the final one…I was going to the final interview…in adani…and not only me..but even she was the other one who was accompanying me and one more guy from the hostel itself. So it was Saturday…we already were exhausted by the exams got over just a day before…and the whole day had gone for the adanis ppl…tired and needed a break…atleast I did. So she told me to lets go out, have a bit of timeout…
It was high time we have met..and a lot had I gone through since that time…so even I wanted to go out with her. We went out…and madam was eager to gulp down some pastry, as she was feeling great about being selected…thou every few sentences she used to utter…”abhi hua nahi he! And who log ladkiyo ko nahi lete…tu to hi gaya he” and I felt like…wht shuld I feel…I don’t like negativity…and she was full of it, at that time…I tried to make sure that such negative thoughts didn’t get into out head. My first round of interview had been worst ever…still I hoped to get in…and was firm not to repeat the same mistake again. So I had two things in my mind…to get my self-confidence back…and to not let her move towards negative thoughts…
We had couple of pastries…I wasn’t interested in eating…I enjoy watching her have them… “must have seen a small kid’s reactions when getting for the first time a choc or ice-cream…” the same are the expressions or shuld I day the emotions on her face…I simply keep looking at them…those eyes…full of life in every bite! And just cant get my eyes of her…so happy from inside…
Next went to a mall…just for a timepas,,,and I thot lets make a purchase…lets ask her to choose something for me! We both selected a tie! It was blue and so was I ..blue! are bhai pahle baar sath me kharidi ki thi na!
So that was the end..of that day…or the beginning of a new week…
I went back…not thinking about the next day…but was thinking of the blunders I had commited. So was thinking how should I cover for them. The final pi was due in 10-15 days. So had good time to prepare.
The next day I was off to baroda. It was 30th December…I was thinking how am I gonna celebrate with my frnds.
I was remembering my flatmates of bharuch…I was never able to get along with them…after we had separated …for nything like that. vivek was in US, rajeev was with family, kuldep had exams, chetan god knows where, dipen was in AUS, and I was left with only two..dharmil and salman!
I wish I could reunite everyone…altogether and have a big party…loud and noisy..away from all ! but simply wasn’t possible. Miss u all guys. Then on 31st even salman backedoff from the plan. Sala humesha aesa karta he. I was very angry on him, for the first time in my life…he had something in his mind…but never let me know…what it was! Anyway…I didn’t force him. Was just disappointed. Then all it was me and dharmil, and we two were alone in town…so I thot lets make it as much as we can… we booked for a party hall…went there and had a blast. Thou we were missing others…we had a great time together…after a long time. It just reminded of the old days…the fun days…
Since last couple of months I was out of my mind…gone insane…gone rude….i just wanted to let everyting out…just wanted to dance and get my mind all out of this…I just wanted to be ther…dancing…the way I wanted…the way I liked…no gals, no food, no thoughts…it was just me…wanted to be myself…and I did…I danced like never again…
The next day was boring…and tiredy cos of the eve of new year…my body telling me “sale jab sahan nahi hota to kyon itna jhatke maar maar kar nachta he, sidha khada nahi raha jata? Bijli ka taar ghus jata he pant me? Bola tha, dhime nach, par nahi,,jor se ..aur jor se…nach ab nach…”
And me lying on the sofa…holding my legs..rubbing moov on the back and legs…pura din sota raha…but it was fun…
Then I had to leave to surat the next day. I left in the morning thinking she would come…but madam ki tabiyat kharab ho gai thi..so I had to go alone. And I was about to step in the hostel and came the phone of her… “adani interview! Tomro..ahmdabad!”…
New year…new time…new surprises…
It has…for sure that the last year was full of ups and downs…happiness and sadness…thrills and harshness …love and hates…
The endings wasn’t as I had thought. Last time what I wrote was the “inner fight” that was goin on…u must be wondering wht must have happened to that…did this guy fought…or died fighting?
Hmm even the guy himself is confused for the same…he didn’t die, neither fought…he didn’t just fought up at all…why? Ask him…if you can…many tried…but mayo didn’t let anything out. Hes stupid…so stupid…knows whats wrong hes doing…to himself…but still just doesn’t want to correct the way hes living. Infact he just made his life a complete hell…sit alone….watch TV but doesn’t even remember the show he just saw half-an-hour ago…keeps on surfing from 1 to 60 channels and back to the first one…wake up at nite…start reading the newspaper…sleep at four…drank tea at 12pm and ate at 4pm…what a mess.
U must be wondering than…if mayo’s condition is such…than who actually is writing this blog? Its actually the me…the right side of mayo…right now mayo is on the bad side…confused? Even mayo is…more than you…
So lets think of it this way…I wrote that…it’s a fight goin on within…
Well the fight is between the good and kind mayo….and on the other side is the selfish one….
Right now the selfish side of me has got onto me…wanting to live the life my way…not to care for any damn one around…not to worry what bad I can cause to other….all I want to do is have the life my way…want others to do things I want…and not the way they want me to…till now enough living for others…and enough…being a nice guy…being a human…cos it never gave me what I wanted…it just brought sadness and lonliness…
And the one stopping me from being a rude and nasty is my own good one. The brighter one doesn’t want this to happen…it still wants to be the happier, funny and kind to others…always living for others…doesn’t expect…just to give…pure at heart…specially for the ones he cares a lot…
And hes really confused…he doesn’t knew what to do…which way to go…what to say…doesn’t even understand the phase hes moving through…he just sat ther…on his sofa…watching towards the window…and his mind…a storm full of gusty thoughts…calm on the outside…but a exhaustive flow of thoughts taking him in some hell world…
For the first time in his life…he didn’t care for the studies…exams were on…and mayo would hop on his bike…go out…keep on riding it till he gets exhausted….will have sips of tea…don’t count how many…ride back…sit in front of his university gate…out in the dark…looking at the far away lights…(as if looking for a small shine of light which shows him the right path out of this)…thinking of every possible way to get his confusion cleared…but to no help was he to himself. He was dumb and stupid.
Few persons he would like to thank at this moment…who could read his eyes…and tried to help him come out of this. He tried to explain…taking help of words…to frame his emotions into sentences…but all in vein. He couldn’t… a voice kept on shouting in his mind all the time… “I don’t wanna be good no more…I want to be bad. I want to be me”. And those friends he had…just with every possible concern said what they felt was good for him…but he just doesn’t listen to them. Hes is just insane.
To his own surprises…the exams were easier than expected and he thought of getting through…and then knocked the big opportunity…adanigroup came for recruitment…on the very next day of exams…he was simply not ready…he wanted to do well…accept the challenge…but he was simply not ready…he wanted to go away somewhere…wanted to be alone…and quiet.
The day was mix…he topped in the aptitude…a very bad performance in the preliminary interview…came out of the room and just disgusted with his underperformance went straight back to his room…and to his another surprise…he was selected for the final interview…
What happened next …was a joke that life would play with me ever again…so wait for the next one….
And today I wrote this stating mayo as “he” cos I m his good side that’s writing this blog…his bad side never cares for doing anything good…infact doing anything at all!
So till than happy new year…
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