Thursday, January 17, 2008

The big Dilemma – to celebrate or to console?

I always had the dream “that I would am dealing with big bosses, smart business persons hearing my views in a meeting, and I, the center of attention…”
I believed that such day would surely come in my life. And the day when I would be selected in a big company, I would give out a big…big…scream…to let everybody know that I m the best. I have been fad up of being among the best…always an average student…an average performer…but not anymore…since entering into the department, I wanted to leave my mark, to let everyone know that u can never ignore me…I just wanted to outperform everyone, wanted to be known as one of the smartest and best student of this department.

So this was the big opportunity …finally came knocking to my door…and I was due with the scream. There was another reason…why I wanted to get into it. That was because of my mom. One day I had a serious fight…(it was more like a duel). My mom never thought of me making it big…she always had this cloud of uncertainty in her mind…I never went to one of the known colleges, didn’t score more than an average student…failed a few times…while the people she known had their sons in best colleges and doing great and making into big companies…while i…I was still doing MBA from some college…her negativities always bugged me…the day she hears from someone that he/she got in a good company, she would say “waah! Ab mere bete ka bhi karwa dena”. “what the hell is wrong with u ?” I used to mutter in my mind…but that day I had enough…I said to her…”who the hell are they to get me into a job! I am equally capable of doing great as them , and one day they would come to me, I would never ask them to get me a job! I know I am the best…never ever u speak those pleasing words in front of other people to get me placed.” She was shocked and we had a blast of lifetime. But really I took those words to my heart…they kept hurting my like spines… ‘mere bete ka bhi karwa dena’…I will prove u mom…I used to utter I know she was always insecure…but such things hurted me badly. So I had a big challenge before me…to prove to her that her son is the best. And one day she would be proud to admit it.

So the next day we had to leave by bus early. Me, manasi and parth were to leave from baroda…the rest were joining at the office. The ride was good and cold. It was breezing morning…I was sitting next to her…she still with her bugging me with the negative thoughts while I trying my 200% to persue her that she was the most deserving candidate. I didn’t know I would be regretting on that.

We reached by 10:15 but the interview took place at 2:30pm. Before the interview, I started getting butterflies in …this was the worst nervousness I had ever felt…which also came because of the scene happened earlier in preliminary interview… still as others were around…and I was the first one to face the guns…I had to maintain my outer expressions…especially for her…I knew she was getting tensed…
At that time I felt like I was about to faint…and she looking at me…sala aese time par bhi mere dimag me chal raha tha “ kya lag rahi he yaar…light blue top and black trouser…ekdum sahi…dekh kar hi select kar lenge…fir sathme adani…so charming”…

There we were sitting in the rikshaw…time was 4:15pm…are picture bichme cut gai kya…

Ther were 5 people selected for the final pi…me, manasi, parth, pratik and nancy…the first three of us had positive experiences while the rest two were not sure…they didn’t declare the result at that time…said it would be conveyed latter to our placement officer. So we were neither in a position to rejoice or cry…

Parth stayed back for his friend…pratik separated at busstand, and nancy went to her relatives…so I know what u must be thinking…yup,,it was me and her…it was turning out to be a great day…
We went for some snacks…and here was the fun part…while leaving the store…unki nazren padi ladduo par… “muje wo khana he…ek lena…” I was looking at a small baby holding my hand and pointing out me to that laddu, which if she didn’t get, then she will die. So cute and innocent face… “here this is your laddu” and then I saw a delighted face…my gosh…shes a kid…laddu hath me aate hi, chehre par kya khushi aa gai…jaise koi choti ladki ko eksath sari khushiya mil gai ho…I couldn’t say anything…except smile and enjoying her happiness within me…I just patted on her head.

“kitna sweet he…wow…itna sweet…” jarasa khaya usme to tariff k pull bandh diye…can I have some…ab malum tha ki mana kar nahi sakti aur dene ka mann hoga nahi….so thoda sa liya…jyada leta to chid jati… “ mein aur 500gm lekar aati hu…” what…itna pasand aa gaya…my gosh…wait in the line…I bring it…waha jakar khane beth jayegi nahi to…
yeh lo…apke laddu…khush…and see the big 100 mile smile on her face…she was so eager to reach home and have the laddus, I thot she would gulp them down all together…she was very generous…she let me have one!

Garrrr…garr the engine started and begin the return journey….two hours full of …ummm….for me that was full of everything…
For you people, I wouldn’t let much out except it was a beautiful evening and another unforgiving journey.

U must be wondering where the hell is the dilemma, it still hasn’t appeared anything like that…well, for me the bad part was yet to come. I knew that she deserved to get in even more than me…while I was positive of getting in, parth had called and told that he already got the info unofficially that he was in. so it was sure that either they are takin both of us in or are leaving me out. But her was in, that I was pretty much sure.
So next day we left at 9:30am for surat, with no idea in mind that this journey is going to give us a shock of lifetime. And I did had a big one.

The adani result had reached college before us. We were still in the train and ther came a col on my celphone…I was selected…and so was parth…and she wasn’t…and then ther was a long pause…………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………
congratulations…she uttered…I could not say anything…gave back a fake smile…what else I could do? There was she beside me,,,both had the same kind of aspirations and I very well know that shes one the most eligible student of our batch…and then she really wanted to be in.

and ther was I sitting, with a news that I have got in my lifetime the best news ever…that I was selected in one of the most reputed companies…for this moment I had waited so long…and I got the moment…in the most unexpected way…I didn’t want to be ther…just couldn’t sit ther anymore…

I got up…went near the door…and my eyes were looking out at the farthest point…looking for an answer. The answer for which I always seached…whats the right thing to do? I didn’t felt like celebrating…wen she was ther…will make her think…I am a showoff and mean…didn’t care about her…and I couldn’t console her too…because I knew at that moment…she wouldn’t like to talk with anyone…and she wouldn’t tell me what she was feeling at that moment…but I still could see those wet eyes…looking out of the window…wanting an answer…and atleast I didn’t had it.

We reached at college…everyone was ther…wishing me…and congratulating me…and I had to smile and thank everybody…cos it was better that way. My eyes…still followed her..she was surrounded by her friends…and everyone was throwing the questions at her…which she definitely didn’t want to face.

The day passed by… my closed friends were really happy for me…they were so enthus for the party…I shuld say I didn’t want to disappoint them…but I had no mood to rejoice…outside I was happy…inside I knew the real story.
And the evening was even worse…I had a fear what was going to come…and it did…I called her up in evening…and thot of cheering up her…but instead I made her cry…she stopped talking…dropped the phone…and I could only hear sounds of whipping and few voices asking what happened…and here I was stunned at this end…
I couldn’t sleep the whole nite…I would never forgive myself…how the hell could I bring tears to her eyes…I would never in my worst nightmares think of doing that…but it happened…and I would not forgive myself for that.
The next is rest…I couldn’t sleep for 3 nights continuously…and still hate myself for making her cry…

My parents were happy, my sis was so so happy, my friends were happy, specially the ones who know me in person and are my true ones…and in the end…even she said she was happy for me…and only one person knew, what was the real situation…inside me…and that was me. And it would always be inside me.

So that’s the end of the episode…or is it the start…

No comments: