The big Dilemma – to celebrate or to console?

I always had the dream “that I would am dealing with big bosses, smart business persons hearing my views in a meeting, and I, the center of attention…”
I believed that such day would surely come in my life. And the day when I would be selected in a big company, I would give out a big…big…scream…to let everybody know that I m the best. I have been fad up of being among the best…always an average student…an average performer…but not anymore…since entering into the department, I wanted to leave my mark, to let everyone know that u can never ignore me…I just wanted to outperform everyone, wanted to be known as one of the smartest and best student of this department.

So this was the big opportunity …finally came knocking to my door…and I was due with the scream. There was another reason…why I wanted to get into it. That was because of my mom. One day I had a serious fight…(it was more like a duel). My mom never thought of me making it big…she always had this cloud of uncertainty in her mind…I never went to one of the known colleges, didn’t score more than an average student…failed a few times…while the people she known had their sons in best colleges and doing great and making into big companies…while i…I was still doing MBA from some college…her negativities always bugged me…the day she hears from someone that he/she got in a good company, she would say “waah! Ab mere bete ka bhi karwa dena”. “what the hell is wrong with u ?” I used to mutter in my mind…but that day I had enough…I said to her…”who the hell are they to get me into a job! I am equally capable of doing great as them , and one day they would come to me, I would never ask them to get me a job! I know I am the best…never ever u speak those pleasing words in front of other people to get me placed.” She was shocked and we had a blast of lifetime. But really I took those words to my heart…they kept hurting my like spines… ‘mere bete ka bhi karwa dena’…I will prove u mom…I used to utter I know she was always insecure…but such things hurted me badly. So I had a big challenge before me…to prove to her that her son is the best. And one day she would be proud to admit it.

So the next day we had to leave by bus early. Me, manasi and parth were to leave from baroda…the rest were joining at the office. The ride was good and cold. It was breezing morning…I was sitting next to her…she still with her bugging me with the negative thoughts while I trying my 200% to persue her that she was the most deserving candidate. I didn’t know I would be regretting on that.

We reached by 10:15 but the interview took place at 2:30pm. Before the interview, I started getting butterflies in …this was the worst nervousness I had ever felt…which also came because of the scene happened earlier in preliminary interview… still as others were around…and I was the first one to face the guns…I had to maintain my outer expressions…especially for her…I knew she was getting tensed…
At that time I felt like I was about to faint…and she looking at me…sala aese time par bhi mere dimag me chal raha tha “ kya lag rahi he yaar…light blue top and black trouser…ekdum sahi…dekh kar hi select kar lenge…fir sathme adani…so charming”…

There we were sitting in the rikshaw…time was 4:15pm…are picture bichme cut gai kya…

Ther were 5 people selected for the final pi…me, manasi, parth, pratik and nancy…the first three of us had positive experiences while the rest two were not sure…they didn’t declare the result at that time…said it would be conveyed latter to our placement officer. So we were neither in a position to rejoice or cry…

Parth stayed back for his friend…pratik separated at busstand, and nancy went to her relatives…so I know what u must be thinking…yup,,it was me and her…it was turning out to be a great day…
We went for some snacks…and here was the fun part…while leaving the store…unki nazren padi ladduo par… “muje wo khana he…ek lena…” I was looking at a small baby holding my hand and pointing out me to that laddu, which if she didn’t get, then she will die. So cute and innocent face… “here this is your laddu” and then I saw a delighted face…my gosh…shes a kid…laddu hath me aate hi, chehre par kya khushi aa gai…jaise koi choti ladki ko eksath sari khushiya mil gai ho…I couldn’t say anything…except smile and enjoying her happiness within me…I just patted on her head.

“kitna sweet he…wow…itna sweet…” jarasa khaya usme to tariff k pull bandh diye…can I have some…ab malum tha ki mana kar nahi sakti aur dene ka mann hoga nahi….so thoda sa liya…jyada leta to chid jati… “ mein aur 500gm lekar aati hu…” what…itna pasand aa gaya…my gosh…wait in the line…I bring it…waha jakar khane beth jayegi nahi to…
yeh lo…apke laddu…khush…and see the big 100 mile smile on her face…she was so eager to reach home and have the laddus, I thot she would gulp them down all together…she was very generous…she let me have one!

Garrrr…garr the engine started and begin the return journey….two hours full of …ummm….for me that was full of everything…
For you people, I wouldn’t let much out except it was a beautiful evening and another unforgiving journey.

U must be wondering where the hell is the dilemma, it still hasn’t appeared anything like that…well, for me the bad part was yet to come. I knew that she deserved to get in even more than me…while I was positive of getting in, parth had called and told that he already got the info unofficially that he was in. so it was sure that either they are takin both of us in or are leaving me out. But her was in, that I was pretty much sure.
So next day we left at 9:30am for surat, with no idea in mind that this journey is going to give us a shock of lifetime. And I did had a big one.

The adani result had reached college before us. We were still in the train and ther came a col on my celphone…I was selected…and so was parth…and she wasn’t…and then ther was a long pause…………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………
congratulations…she uttered…I could not say anything…gave back a fake smile…what else I could do? There was she beside me,,,both had the same kind of aspirations and I very well know that shes one the most eligible student of our batch…and then she really wanted to be in.

and ther was I sitting, with a news that I have got in my lifetime the best news ever…that I was selected in one of the most reputed companies…for this moment I had waited so long…and I got the moment…in the most unexpected way…I didn’t want to be ther…just couldn’t sit ther anymore…

I got up…went near the door…and my eyes were looking out at the farthest point…looking for an answer. The answer for which I always seached…whats the right thing to do? I didn’t felt like celebrating…wen she was ther…will make her think…I am a showoff and mean…didn’t care about her…and I couldn’t console her too…because I knew at that moment…she wouldn’t like to talk with anyone…and she wouldn’t tell me what she was feeling at that moment…but I still could see those wet eyes…looking out of the window…wanting an answer…and atleast I didn’t had it.

We reached at college…everyone was ther…wishing me…and congratulating me…and I had to smile and thank everybody…cos it was better that way. My eyes…still followed her..she was surrounded by her friends…and everyone was throwing the questions at her…which she definitely didn’t want to face.

The day passed by… my closed friends were really happy for me…they were so enthus for the party…I shuld say I didn’t want to disappoint them…but I had no mood to rejoice…outside I was happy…inside I knew the real story.
And the evening was even worse…I had a fear what was going to come…and it did…I called her up in evening…and thot of cheering up her…but instead I made her cry…she stopped talking…dropped the phone…and I could only hear sounds of whipping and few voices asking what happened…and here I was stunned at this end…
I couldn’t sleep the whole nite…I would never forgive myself…how the hell could I bring tears to her eyes…I would never in my worst nightmares think of doing that…but it happened…and I would not forgive myself for that.
The next is rest…I couldn’t sleep for 3 nights continuously…and still hate myself for making her cry…

My parents were happy, my sis was so so happy, my friends were happy, specially the ones who know me in person and are my true ones…and in the end…even she said she was happy for me…and only one person knew, what was the real situation…inside me…and that was me. And it would always be inside me.

So that’s the end of the episode…or is it the start…

jokes life always plays...

The jokes…life always plays..

Hmm… so u guys didn’t have to wait much longer…actually I got time to sneak this one sooner than expected…so if u are reading this one then go to the previous one and read it before this one…than this one would make more sense.

So, it was set..for the final one…I was going to the final interview…in adani…and not only me..but even she was the other one who was accompanying me and one more guy from the hostel itself. So it was Saturday…we already were exhausted by the exams got over just a day before…and the whole day had gone for the adanis ppl…tired and needed a break…atleast I did. So she told me to lets go out, have a bit of timeout…
It was high time we have met..and a lot had I gone through since that time…so even I wanted to go out with her. We went out…and madam was eager to gulp down some pastry, as she was feeling great about being selected…thou every few sentences she used to utter…”abhi hua nahi he! And who log ladkiyo ko nahi lete…tu to hi gaya he” and I felt like…wht shuld I feel…I don’t like negativity…and she was full of it, at that time…I tried to make sure that such negative thoughts didn’t get into out head. My first round of interview had been worst ever…still I hoped to get in…and was firm not to repeat the same mistake again. So I had two things in my mind…to get my self-confidence back…and to not let her move towards negative thoughts…

We had couple of pastries…I wasn’t interested in eating…I enjoy watching her have them… “must have seen a small kid’s reactions when getting for the first time a choc or ice-cream…” the same are the expressions or shuld I day the emotions on her face…I simply keep looking at them…those eyes…full of life in every bite! And just cant get my eyes of her…so happy from inside…

Next went to a mall…just for a timepas,,,and I thot lets make a purchase…lets ask her to choose something for me! We both selected a tie! It was blue and so was I ..blue! are bhai pahle baar sath me kharidi ki thi na!

So that was the end..of that day…or the beginning of a new week…
I went back…not thinking about the next day…but was thinking of the blunders I had commited. So was thinking how should I cover for them. The final pi was due in 10-15 days. So had good time to prepare.

The next day I was off to baroda. It was 30th December…I was thinking how am I gonna celebrate with my frnds.
I was remembering my flatmates of bharuch…I was never able to get along with them…after we had separated …for nything like that. vivek was in US, rajeev was with family, kuldep had exams, chetan god knows where, dipen was in AUS, and I was left with only two..dharmil and salman!
I wish I could reunite everyone…altogether and have a big party…loud and noisy..away from all ! but simply wasn’t possible. Miss u all guys. Then on 31st even salman backedoff from the plan. Sala humesha aesa karta he. I was very angry on him, for the first time in my life…he had something in his mind…but never let me know…what it was! Anyway…I didn’t force him. Was just disappointed. Then all it was me and dharmil, and we two were alone in town…so I thot lets make it as much as we can… we booked for a party hall…went there and had a blast. Thou we were missing others…we had a great time together…after a long time. It just reminded of the old days…the fun days…

Since last couple of months I was out of my mind…gone insane…gone rude….i just wanted to let everyting out…just wanted to dance and get my mind all out of this…I just wanted to be ther…dancing…the way I wanted…the way I liked…no gals, no food, no thoughts…it was just me…wanted to be myself…and I did…I danced like never again…

The next day was boring…and tiredy cos of the eve of new year…my body telling me “sale jab sahan nahi hota to kyon itna jhatke maar maar kar nachta he, sidha khada nahi raha jata? Bijli ka taar ghus jata he pant me? Bola tha, dhime nach, par nahi,,jor se ..aur jor se…nach ab nach…”

And me lying on the sofa…holding my legs..rubbing moov on the back and legs…pura din sota raha…but it was fun…

Then I had to leave to surat the next day. I left in the morning thinking she would come…but madam ki tabiyat kharab ho gai thi..so I had to go alone. And I was about to step in the hostel and came the phone of her… “adani interview! Tomro..ahmdabad!”…

New year…new time…new surprises…

It has…for sure that the last year was full of ups and downs…happiness and sadness…thrills and harshness …love and hates…
The endings wasn’t as I had thought. Last time what I wrote was the “inner fight” that was goin on…u must be wondering wht must have happened to that…did this guy fought…or died fighting?

Hmm even the guy himself is confused for the same…he didn’t die, neither fought…he didn’t just fought up at all…why? Ask him…if you can…many tried…but mayo didn’t let anything out. Hes stupid…so stupid…knows whats wrong hes doing…to himself…but still just doesn’t want to correct the way hes living. Infact he just made his life a complete hell…sit alone….watch TV but doesn’t even remember the show he just saw half-an-hour ago…keeps on surfing from 1 to 60 channels and back to the first one…wake up at nite…start reading the newspaper…sleep at four…drank tea at 12pm and ate at 4pm…what a mess.

U must be wondering than…if mayo’s condition is such…than who actually is writing this blog? Its actually the me…the right side of mayo…right now mayo is on the bad side…confused? Even mayo is…more than you…
So lets think of it this way…I wrote that…it’s a fight goin on within…
Well the fight is between the good and kind mayo….and on the other side is the selfish one….
Right now the selfish side of me has got onto me…wanting to live the life my way…not to care for any damn one around…not to worry what bad I can cause to other….all I want to do is have the life my way…want others to do things I want…and not the way they want me to…till now enough living for others…and enough…being a nice guy…being a human…cos it never gave me what I wanted…it just brought sadness and lonliness…
And the one stopping me from being a rude and nasty is my own good one. The brighter one doesn’t want this to happen…it still wants to be the happier, funny and kind to others…always living for others…doesn’t expect…just to give…pure at heart…specially for the ones he cares a lot…

And hes really confused…he doesn’t knew what to do…which way to go…what to say…doesn’t even understand the phase hes moving through…he just sat ther…on his sofa…watching towards the window…and his mind…a storm full of gusty thoughts…calm on the outside…but a exhaustive flow of thoughts taking him in some hell world…
For the first time in his life…he didn’t care for the studies…exams were on…and mayo would hop on his bike…go out…keep on riding it till he gets exhausted….will have sips of tea…don’t count how many…ride back…sit in front of his university gate…out in the dark…looking at the far away lights…(as if looking for a small shine of light which shows him the right path out of this)…thinking of every possible way to get his confusion cleared…but to no help was he to himself. He was dumb and stupid.
Few persons he would like to thank at this moment…who could read his eyes…and tried to help him come out of this. He tried to explain…taking help of words…to frame his emotions into sentences…but all in vein. He couldn’t… a voice kept on shouting in his mind all the time… “I don’t wanna be good no more…I want to be bad. I want to be me”. And those friends he had…just with every possible concern said what they felt was good for him…but he just doesn’t listen to them. Hes is just insane.

To his own surprises…the exams were easier than expected and he thought of getting through…and then knocked the big opportunity…adanigroup came for recruitment…on the very next day of exams…he was simply not ready…he wanted to do well…accept the challenge…but he was simply not ready…he wanted to go away somewhere…wanted to be alone…and quiet.
The day was mix…he topped in the aptitude…a very bad performance in the preliminary interview…came out of the room and just disgusted with his underperformance went straight back to his room…and to his another surprise…he was selected for the final interview…
What happened next …was a joke that life would play with me ever again…so wait for the next one….

And today I wrote this stating mayo as “he” cos I m his good side that’s writing this blog…his bad side never cares for doing anything good…infact doing anything at all!


So till than happy new year…

the fight within...

when was the last time you hated yourself...if you ask me this question...i would say ...NOW!
ya i am in really goin through a bad phase,,,and no..there is none i want to blame...i just hate myself for every damn thing.
why the hell am i doing this to me...why am i acting so rude...i can be happy as ever...enjoy my time...have fun...with everyone...but still i am not able to.
its something that has gone into my head...something that just set everything up on fire...the fire of hatred.
suddenly my life has started to suck...things are not pretty nice as i wanted ...or shuld i say...i am not happy.
may be yes..i am not happy...i said to myself...i would never be a helpless person...but donno...certain things have just made me ..laugh on my luck
ya..i suck..i realy am frustrated with certain things...being whatevr i am...even right now i am pissed off.
i m thinkin myslef of being confused...not even able to say what i want to...

confused about my life..confused about what i do...confused about what i dont do...confused about what i should have done...my family, my friends...my pals....my colege...my study...my career...my love...
ohh love...no i should nt be writing that....love has nothing to do with this,,,,y?...cos i dont have a love line...
but realy geting to hate myself more than ever,,,nothing goin my way...nothin helpin me to smile....just nothin...
i wish i could cry and everything becomes alright...but cant..or am not able to....
its the fight within i am goin through..i fight i cant afford to loose,,,

That was the most beautiful evening…

That was the most beautiful evening…
(this one is dedicated to someone really special)
Sometimes you never ask for anything from life…still it gives you; a lot more than u ask for.
And I am fortunate enough to be at the receiving end…
Oh! You must be wondering…what this time?
Hmm…this is what I got?
Lots and lots of appreciation…
A beautiful smile…full of happiness…
Couple of wet eyes…thanking for my concerns…
And a silent charming face…with those expressions…
saying…
"U made me feel special…"
I just cant forget that…those eyes…
And folks you are not getting to know more than this.
Its much much personal…
All I want to say is…
What ever I did that day…gave me the best happiness I ever got…
…for sharing that wonderful and beautiful evening with me…
…for letting me a part of that special occasion…
…for trusting me…
Thank you.

Why should I pretend to be your friend…

The topic is kinda uneasy for me to discuss.
How can u defend urself to be right if only U know, that
U are right, but in eyes of others ; u may not WRONG!!!
Recently , there was an interactive session in the college,
(it was about knowing your own self, how much do u exactly know about your own characteristics, how much others know of you, how much others do not know of u, and how much we both do not know about you)
and I came under the sword, my friend was asked to mention
my positive and negative attributes.

And I was also suppose to do the same.
And what happened thereafter, what came to me was not easy to digest.
The strengths that were mentioned about me, were absolutely correct, while the interesting part was something opposite to that.

The negative attribute that was attached to me was
" he is short-tempered and sometimes overly-behaved"
the former part is understandable, I am a bit of it…although it has taken years for me to control my anger, or else world would have known an arrogant and rude mayo, and I am damn sure that when I get angry, the world "hates" me!

The thing that made me restless, was the later thing. "overly behaved"
And that too sometimes? What does that mean? And not only that everybody else actually agreed to it.
Alright may be I get emotional sometimes, that makes me behave in certain more noticeable way, but I don’t get on the peoples nerves.

Or do I?
That’s the question bugging me?
Then came the next thing? Which is good or bad I don’t know exactly?
One of my friends was asked to tell something about me.
And I pointed out to one of my great pals recently.

What he told was right.
"he is not for everyone, he is very choosy about his friends, his mates. He wants to be with only few people,
certain kinds of persons who interests him."

Now that’s great to hear…

I wouldn’t have wanted to be in that place for sure…

but I am glad that thing came out in open.
now...

I think its better if I clarify my side of the story…for those who read my pages and atleast are my closer ones…with whom I share a lot…
I wasn’t a guy, The way I am.
I was great to be a friend.
Always available. To whomsoever needed.
To whosoever it was.

I was always there for everyone, smiling for others, happy doing others tasks, making their life easier, or lively.
People thought of me as a great natured boy.
Boy…that’s is what hurt me.
Everyone took me as a kid…an immature kid…kind of funny, and stupid.

So that’s when I decided to change myself.

I can’t anyone take me for granted.
When they need me, they come to me; when they don’t, they ditch me!
Is that I am for…to be for others?
And so, that’s when "enough was enough".

I must have made hundreds of friends, in school, in msu, in engineering college,…and then…today hardly few of them are still ther whom I know.
I never broke those relations…they just entered in my life and went off.
And I always used to stand there and stare…where did I go wrong?
And the answer came from within…

be what u are man…be honest…
the world may leave u someday…
and the only person who will be beside you will be…
"you".
So I decided not to get up close with anyone and everyone.
Be nice…be honest…be true…to urself and to others…
And I stopped…stopped pretending to be a good friend…
of everyone and anyone!
Those who are nice to me, I am nicer to them.
Those who are harsh…kiss my ass!

And this has helped me.
Helped me to identify the real ones… the true ones…my actual friends!
And really they are closer to my heart…they have a special place…and special places are not meant for everyone…I guess.
I will be glad at the end of my life…that I got few…but the real friends…who just don’t know me…who understand me deep within!
They tell me…when I am good…when I am bad…
where I am right…where I am wrong…
I just don’t believe in pretending friend of others…who are there just by destiny and share few moments of my life…bcos they are destined to be there. So sorry folks…
here is how I would end this one…

when I love you…I can die for U.
when I hate…I can kill.

ME, my machine and 105!

the title seem to be kinda unusual..isnt! but guys its realated and related to me deep down. yes, it was 4th november...i went to surat...just to bring my chic back (i m talking about my bike, i dont call gals with that name...). it was all set...i had to get it back to baroda,,,cos i am having the vacation for 20 days....and mayo cant live without his chic....
i set out at 3:30 after wishing everybody and let the throttle down...oh wait not yet...first need to get out of the city...she (my chic) doesnt like to stretch in the downtown roads....shes a free bird...wants to fly on a long straight black belt.
so i had it running down slow and quick,...eager to get on the highway...the heart was pumping....the last time i got it on highway...she was new...cant pull her leg much...but this time...she was ready to roar...the horses were pumpin...i was in a mood to just let it rush down the lane...
here i was after 35 min on the highway...all set to give it some thrash...it wanted me to test her...wanted to go on the fast lane....i looked at my watch....4:10...so whats the target to home...i will make it by 7:00pm....lets see...if i can... i wish the roads are good..

so i started at 70 kmp initially...taking the feel of the road and atmosphere...the weather was good...cool and breezy...chances of rains...but still some sunny...i thot lets get it down to business....
so i started giving it some gas...and its like she was waiting for it...just responding smoothly and the speedometer showing the numbers in the increasing order....72...75....78....80...85...87....88...89...90....

should i give it some more...would it be right....but felt like she was telling me..." i want it more and more...dont stop..."
and then,,,,92...93...95...96...98...99.................................100......i touched it........it was as smooth riding as some gal's smooth chicks...really she as much sweet at 100 as much as at 40......i gave some more...and then touched 105....i was shouting on the middle of the road...patting on the tank,,,,,

aasshhh....damn,,,,these trucks....hurdles....broke my speed...had to slow down....
the whole ride was mix of such speedy and breaking patches....but the best things was.....not a single car could match my machine......the eyes peeping out of car's drivers was giving me an astonishing 'woooohhoo" looks...i could read some of the eyes...saying..i need to be on the piece of menance....its so sexy....
so it was the most amazing ride i ever had....
but still i was missing someone...at the bottom of my heart i felt as the ride would have been much much thrilling and romantic if...( if always is stands before me) she would have been behind..seating on the back seat....
i reached home at 6:45....which was much speedier than i thot....and then in the night all i did was press my butts against the pillow,,,,shes is smooth but if i have her more,,,then shes painful too...

but guys...its for sure....i just cant get enough of her...so let the vacation end....and once again i get a date with her..from home to hostel....
the rides are my life...
and i am always ready for one...